How we got here and the rainbow after the storm...

After going through infertility treatments and finding out we had "unexplained infertility" I found myself in one of the hardest trials of my life. I couldn't understand why God would not bless me like he had blessed so many around us. I felt there must be some sin in my life, that I just didn't pray enough, or that maybe he was punishing me for something I had done in my past. I felt abandoned by God.  The truth was that he didn't abandon me. He had different plans for us, and now I can say with all confidence that his plan is far better than any plan we could ever have had.  Through the trial of infertility the Lord has taught me many lessons about my relationship with him and with others. I can say now that God is good not because he gives me what I think I want, but because he is God.

How the Lord worked in the trial....

 In the beginning of the trial I started out with a positive attitude and decided to keep busy while waiting to get pregnant. I felt the Lord was calling me to volunteer at a clinic for moms who were facing unexpected pregnancies (funny I know). I ended up counseling young women and helping them chose life for their babies. The other awesome part was that I got to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with these hurting women. They ended up blessing my life in so many ways. The Lord gave me a peace while I was there, a peace that I can't explain. I felt honored that God would use me to speak his truth into their lives in their moment of despair. To get to be the one to tell them about the hope that is in Jesus. I wouldn't change my time there for anything. It was an honor to know that the Lord was using me to love on these women and I enjoyed every minute of it. If  I would have gotten what I thought I wanted, which was to be pregnant I would have missed out on what Gods purpose was for me during those months. 

 Another wonderful thing that happened as a result of the trial was that I learned what the true purpose of prayer was. That is to make HIS WILL for my life what I REALLY WANT for my life. It was not about getting what I wanted but about total surrender and trusting that he knows whats best even if I don't understand or like it at the time.When Jesus prayed in the garden he said not my will but your will. That's really hard when you really want something. Before I understood this I kept praying that God would do a miracle and make me pregnant. One night as I was praying I said " God what are you doing?" and I remember this clear thought that came into my mind and I believe it was the Lord saying "Jessica remember Habakkuk?"  "He prayed God what are you doing?" " And how did I reply?" " I am doing something!" " Something you wouldn't even believe!" "You have tried so hard to get pregnant through fertility treatments and I have kept it from happening!"  Wow not quite the answer I was looking for, but an answer that I learned a lot from. 

 I also learned about being faithful to God. I thought of Job how the Lord had considered him faithful and special and allowed him to go through some really bad trials (that made mine look like no big deal) but God had faith that Job would get through the trials and remain faithful to him. I learned the importance of being faithful and also how difficult it can be to be obedient and faithful to God in trials

 But the biggest thing I learned was that God just wanted my ultimate desire to be to know him and to give myself to him no matter the cost and have freedom and fulfillment in that. He put several people in my life to convey that truth to me. But I distinctly remember one day that he made it very clear to me. I was driving and  God had used Beth Moore on the radio to speak some truth into my life. She was talking about how only God can give you the fulfillment that you need, and that when the Bible says that God will give you the desires of your heart he wasn't talking about earthly desires. He was talking about the one desire that the Holy Spirit groans for and that is to KNOW the Lord. To give yourself to him no matter the cost and have freedom and fulfillment in that.. When I got home that day I remember I fell on my face before the Lord in worship giving him praise and thanking him for reminding me to keep my eyes on him. I felt the Holy Spirit so fill me that I wept with joy praising and thanking my God who is all powerful for loving me and giving me the honor to go through the trial of infertility, not to break me but to lead me to know him more. 

In the end of it all he gave me a new perspective on trials and how to handle them along with a new attitude. One of praise to my Holy God who is all powerful. I learned I was not abandoned but instead  loved more than I could ever know by the creator of the universe. He gave me this scripture. It's Jeremiah 17:7-8 But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. I love this verse! It's such a beautiful picture of how to handle trials gracefully. It gives me such hope that I can handle future trials with joy and fruit in my life letting his glory shine in the midst of the trial. 

Wow I am still blown away. What an amazing God I serve!!  I remember singing that old hymn "Oh Victory in Jesus" the day I learned that Jesus really is enough and that there is pure joy in that victory. I learned it is possible to be fully content in Jesus. I have learned that no matter what happens in this life, my hope is in him and that hope is awesome and so amazing nothing can compare to it! I have truly learned what it means to have victory in Jesus. It's this to consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything. And blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. Had I not gone through the trial of infertility I would not have gotten to know my Lord like that. It was worth the tears and the pain to really learn who God is and what he wants and desires.

A new chapter...

 I can say that the Lord did some major refining work on me through the whole trial and that it had many purposes. I know all of this was to prepare me for my next chapter in life. Which just happens to be a very exciting chapter for our whole family. After the last failed attempt of fertility treatments we knew that the Lord was making himself very clear that pregnancy was not what he had for us. He really began to put adoption on our hearts and reveal that it was his plan for us to start the adoption process right away. We felt such a peace and joy in our hearts knowing that the Lord had chosen us to love a specific child. .That adoption was his plan and calling for us, and so the adoption journey begins....